Ask Ms. Joan

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Dear Ms. Joan,

What is the proper etiquette on the usage of toothpicks in restaurants or in public generally? Now it might just be me, but I find it rather disgusting sitting around a lovely table out in public, and the men pull out the toothpick after the meal. I tell my husband I am going to bring dental floss and do the same. He doesn't think that is funny.

-- Julie

Dear Julie,

I also find usage of toothpicks and dental floss anywhere in public disgusting and bad manners. Everyone has gotten that irksome seed or piece of food caught between teeth, but removal of these little bits of troublesome food should be taken care of in private. The proper place for using toothpicks and dental floss is in a restroom, never at the dining table. Oh my, I have even witnessed the use of business cards, matchbooks, finger nails and other imaginative items for this removal project. If we all dined in front of a mirror and were forced to view ourselves while dining, I think we would all agree there are things we would no longer do.

Dear Ms. Joan,

What is the correct way to introduce my 27-year-old daughter to a 70-year-old person. "Daughter, I would like you to meet my friend," or, "Friend, I would like you to meet my daughter." I want to show the utmost respect to my older friend.

-- Karen

Dear Karen,

With today's modern etiquette, introductions have been made very easy. The only thing you must remember is that you introduce the new person entering the group first. If you are with your friend and your daughter would walk up to you, you would say "Bob, this is Alice, my daughter." "Alice, this is Bob." Then, "How do you do, Alice," would be said by Bob. (Of course, this is a rhetorical question that does not require an answer.)

It's a good idea to say both Bob's name and Alice's name as many times as you can during the introduction so Bob and Alice have at least two chances to hear the other's name said so they are sure of what each other's name is. The reinforcement of hearing it twice may help them remember the other's name.

If you and your daughter were together and Bob were to join you, you would introduce Bob to your daughter, Alice. When making introductions, everyone is equal unless one of the parties were the President of the United States or a king or queen.

Dear Ms. Joan,

I am at a sporting event with my 2-year-old child and a fan is yelling obscenities at the players. What do I tell the fan?

-- Steve

Dear Steve,

First of all, a 2-year-old has no business at any sporting event. A child of this age does not have the attention span needed to enjoy an event of any kind that lasts longer than 10 minutes. Your little child is going to become tired and cranky and want to go home. The other fans are not going to care that you have a 2-year-old with you and will not be sympathetic in the least when your child is crying or hungry or needs attention to other needs associated with small children.

Many fans take their sports and favorite teams very seriously. They are there solely to yell a lot, eat a lot and drink a lot. Many fans think yelling obscenities is part of the entertainment right along with hot dogs, peanuts and beer. Saying anything to another fan about their language would be a waste of your time. The other fans are going to ignore you or become angry. Leave your little one at home. Your little one will like it better, you'll enjoy the game more and so will the other fans.

Ask Ms. Joan is advertised with sample questions, that I'll answer now.

Q. I'm expecting an important call. Do I have to turn off my cell phone in a meeting?

A. By all means, turn off the ringer, if not the phone entirely. Unless you use your cell phone only for all your business calls, chances are that ringing phone would be a personal call. You should not be receiving personal calls during a business meeting. In either case, let your cell phone take a voice message and return your calls later. If you MUST answer that important call, put your phone on vibrate and very quietly leave the room to answer it, being careful not to disturb the meeting. Be sure the person in charge of the meeting knows you'll be receiving that important call and you'll be leaving the room for the purpose of taking that specific call.

Q. I told my friend her haircut looked good when it didn't. Should I have told her the truth?

A. Yes, you should always tell the truth to your friends; but none of us want to hurt the feelings of our friends. Unless she had her hair cut into a checkerboard pattern and had it dyed green and red, keep your opinion to yourself. "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" became an old saying for a good reason. Remember, it's her hair not yours and hair grows out. A new haircut will be an old one very soon. Find something good about her new haircut and comment on that. Perhaps the hairdresser did a good job layering her hair, or she cut her hair nicely over her ears. You could tell your friend how brave it was of her to try a new cut and maybe you should try a new hairstyle too.

Joan Wynn of Clovis is a certified etiquette consultant. Her column publishes the last Friday of the month in The Clovis Independent. Readers are invited to e-mail questions to askmsjoan@clovis- independent.com or send to Ask Ms. Joan, The Clovis Independent, P.O. Box 2355, Clovis 93613.