Ask Ms. Joan

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Dear Ms. Joan,

I was cleaning house the other day and found a thank you note I had written for a Christmas gift I had received from a friend on the East Coast. I thought I had mailed it but there it was, big as life. Now what do I do with it? Isn't it kind of late to mail it now?

—Louise

Dear Louise,

This is one of those "better late than never" situations. Do mail the thank you note to your friend. Put yourself in the gift-giver's place. We all like having our gifts acknowledged and appreciate getting thanked for our efforts, gifts and kindnesses. You would rather get a late thank you note yourself than not at all. ‘Not at all' should not be an option.

Some readers may say that a phone call would be good enough, but when a gift is delivered, a written note should follow immediately. When you are given a gift directly from the hands of the gift-giver, or the gift is received at a party where the gift-givers are present, your saying thank you is enough. The thank you note is then optional.

A thank you by e-mail or over the phone is too impersonal and lazy. When someone has spent their precious time and money selecting and mailing a gift, we should all make the effort to write and mail a thank you note, even if it's months later. If you don't send that thank you note, your friend is either going to think the gift was lost in the mail, you have bad manners or your friend may even call you and ask, "Did you get the Christmas gift I sent you?"

That is an embarrassment that can be easily avoided.

Dear Ms. Joan,

I was recently invited to a wedding I have been really looking forward to attending. My husband will be out of town on a business trip the day of the wedding. Is it OK for me to invite a friend to go with me? I really don't want to attend the wedding alone.

—L. C.

Dear L. C.

Weddings are very special occasions, especially to the bride. Most brides would not appreciate uninvited guests attending their wedding. By uninvited guest, I mean a person attending a wedding not specifically invited by the bride or groom's family.

There are several good reasons for you not to invite a friend to such a private occasion. First, only the bride, groom and their parents invite guests to a wedding. Then, weddings are very expensive affairs and the bride's family will not appreciate paying for an expensive meal for your friend. Also, there is always that stranger in the wedding video or pictures.

The latter happened to me personally, and it was very odd explaining that neither my husband nor I had any idea who that nicely dressed lady was helping herself to our buffet.

There must be someone who was invited to the wedding with whom you could sit. My husband and I have been invited to two weddings on the same night on several occasions. We decided to each go separately to each wedding. Attending a wedding alone can be great fun, even for married people!

Dear Ms. Joan,

What is your opinion on proposing without a wedding ring? Everyone keeps telling me that the fiancé-to-be should have the ring when he gets down on one knee, but I know of others who asked first and picked out the ring later with their significant other. Does it really matter?

—P.B.

Dear P.B.,

In the past, the gentleman would have had to have the ring in hand when proposing. I'm reminded of a story I heard once about Jack and Jackie Kennedy. I was told that JFK presented a ring to Jackie upon proposing. Jackie turned him down. JFK went to his father and asked what he should do. His father gave JFK a fabulous diamond bracelet to present with the ring to Jackie. JFK did so, and Jackie accepted his proposal of marriage. (I certainly hope I related that story correctly. If not, please accept my apologies).

I don't have a point to make regarding this story, but I thought my readers might enjoy this bit of trivia as much as I did.

Today couples tend to talk about the possibility of marriage before the actual proposal takes place. The lady may hint at or drag the gentleman into a jewelry store and make known the type of ring she would like as her wedding ring. This gives the gentleman the opportunity to select a ring the lady will definitely like. Then he can come up with a romantic plan of presentation. This is always a good idea because this affords the lady a wonderful, romantic story to tell her girlfriends and grandchildren. This is very important.

My husband and I have a wonderful memory of choosing our wedding rings together. I had input on what I wanted and he was able to choose what he wanted. If this is done, the lady needs to keep in mind the budget of the gentleman.

This may sound more like advice from Dear Abby than etiquette advice, but respecting each other's likes, dislikes and wishes is certainly a part of good etiquette. My personal opinion on this issue is it doesn't matter whether the ring is presented at the time of the proposal or purchased later as long as everyone involved is very happy in the end.

Dear Ms. Joan,

When is it appropriate to write a thank you note for a gift that is committed long before the actual gift will be received? My sister has agreed to pay for a week of vacation at a high-end resort for our family, and I'm not certain whether I should write the thank you note now when the promise was made or wait until the vacation has been enjoyed and write my thank you note at that time. Or perhaps this deserves two notes — one now and another one later?

—Anne

Dear Anne , Since you say the promise has been made a long time before the gift of a prepaid vacation is to be taken, a thank you note thanking your sister for her thoughtfulness and generosity is in order. Tell her how much all of you are looking forward to the vacation. This is the perfect opportunity to get the children involved in writing thank you notes. They can also tell their aunt how excited they are about the vacation.

While on the vacation be sure to send your sister some postcards telling her about all the fun you and the children are having. Again the children can participate in this activity.

After the trip has been enjoyed, another thank you note should be sent. This thank you note should attest to the fun everyone had and be specific. Do not mention anything that may have gone awry while you were gone, ever!

Joan Wynn of Clovis is a certified etiquette consultant. Her column publishes the last Friday of the month in The Clovis Independent. E-mail your questions to askmsjoan@clovisindependent.com or send to Ask Ms. Joan, The Clovis Independent, P.O. Box 2355, Clovis 93613.